I didn’t expect any advice from my last post, seeing as most people wouldn’t know my blog address, but I did manage to find advice elsewhere. If all else fails, turn to tv drama. While in America this would be something to laugh at usually, in Korean drama you can find some enlightenment. If anything it helps to understand why Koreans act like they do and respond the way they do, and since my issue was dealing with a Korean I figured it was a good route to take. The good side to all this is that I feel supported in my initial thoughts of distance. To quote one of their dramas “a one sided love will only destroy you”…and the “only solution to one sided love is to have the other person turn around” to return it….I can’t make my certain person turn around to solve the problem…so instead its best I walk away….tidy my feelings by severing the friendship and leaving it all behind me. While this may sound cold, it will be for the best since it will remove the source of the pain. She once gave me the cold shoulder and distanced herself from me because she thought it would help me get over my feelings for her. I told her then that I could remain friends with girls I have feelings for and that I could overcome those feelings. Since I’ve always been able to do that, it wasn’t a lie but I can’t seem to do it this time. So I’ll use her own tactic and distance myself from her. If I treat her like a stranger and never make time for her then I won’t have to deal with her and it will allow my heart to become immune to those feelings. I hope you don’t think I’m wrong in this regard as I need to look out for myself and fix myself right now. I’m sick of being sad over the girl I can never have. I will replace that friend with other fun activities such as hanging out with other friends or casual dating. Later I’m sure I will meet someone like her or better, especially if I leave this place and go aboard.
Solution found, 1 + 1 does equal 2.
hmm
How do you move on with your life when your heart can’t let go? When you find that special someone and everything clicks…what do you do when it doesn’t work out like it should? You care so much about their happiness that you try to remain friends despite being depressed because you can’t be more. What can be done?
I met that special someone…I even faced my fears and told her how I felt, which is an accomplishment in itself, but I was met with rejection. I brushed it off and focused on the friendship, since I would rather be friends than be without her in my life…but for the first time I can’t even do that… I grew up around girls and got used to being attracted to girls out of my league and settling for friendship, but what makes this one so hard. My best friend is my ex of 3 years…the girl I was going to marry and spend my life with…and even than when things went bad I was able to settled for friendship. I don’t even feel that way for her at all anymore. I could always force my heart to stop feeling that way and be fine…but not with this woman. I don’t know. I try my hardest to force myself to stop feeling…but I fail.
Being her friend, she confides in me and comes to me for advice. I listen to her talk about how lonely she is and how unloved she is…but the one time I made the mistake of reminding her of my feelings and that she isn’t unloved…it almost cost me the friendship. I just don’t understand why she can’t see what everyone else sees about us. She told me after that confession that she felt she should distance herself from me until I could get over my feelings. I explained that it wouldn’t be necessary since I can bury my feelings and focus on friendships…I always have…until now. Now I’m thinking I maybe the one that has to distance himself so that I can force myself to hate her and nullify the love. I’ve tried to hate her…even when I watch as she has become more and more bitter and selfish due to her choices and how life played out….I can’t hate her though. The moment I hang out with her, the feelings are rekindled and I’m stuck in the same situation. I don’t want to lose her friendship…but if that’s what it takes to overcome my feelings, I don’t think I have any choice. I honestly don’t know why I care for her so much, especially considering our past, but the truth is I do. I’m happy when I’m with her and I finally feel at home. No matter how bad my day was, she is the only person that can ever make me instantly happy and allow me to forget it. She asks me questions about my social life like “why haven’t you found anyone?” but how can I answer her honestly, and tell her that no one can compare to her, when that will cause her to distance herself from me again. She makes comments like “You’re a great guy so I don’t understand why people won’t give you a chance,” but she is the one that rejected me. I just don’t know what to do anymore…I honestly don’t. I thought I could beat it but I find myself constantly depressed now…or trying to redirect my feelings onto other girls. Even though I may like them, they still aren’t her and therefore it still isn’t healthy. Any advice? Not that anyone reads this but its better to talk to a wall than keep it all inside. Against my better judgment I’m leaving this unpassword protected…I hope I don’t regret that.
Small entertainment
Ever have one of those days where you can’t help but find the stupidest things funny? As I’ve said before, I work as tech support for a particular company. Today was a rather slow and quiet day, so the small things became my form of entertainment. I don’t usually talk about users and their tech issues…mainly because most of them are boring…but every now and then requests come along that are just too funny to not explain. I had one of those requests today. One of our users emailed us to inform us of a keyboard issue. That issue being a broken key. Apparently she had been typing so much that the laptop keyboard had a key pop loose and stick up. While normally this would be another boring and stupid request, it was the fact that this key was the “f” key that caused the fun. Let the word games begin… After fixing the key, the user stated “Thanks, now I can start f’ing again.” I responded with “No problem, just try to keep from f’ing so hard. I then emailed the other tech support person so he didn’t waste the time coming down to fix an already resolved problem. After I left, he apparently came down anyway since he had not checked his email recently. Upon arrival, the user informed him that I had already arrived and got her “f’ing again.” He responded “alright, as long as you’re f’ing now we’re good.” To top this story off, once he got back in his office and saw my email, he sent an email back stating “I was too slow. She was already f’ing again by the time I got there.” While this may seem stupid to some people, it was still a small form of entertainment in a rather long and boring day.
Bulldog Personalities
Have you ever met those people that consciously (or not) are aggressive in how they deal with everyone? I call those people Bulldog because usually they are ugly and ready to bite…whether that ugliness is the reason for their attitude, I can’t say. I consider myself a nice person and usually go out of my way to help people…but this kind of personality doesn’t blend well with me. My belief is they should all be neutered, since there are way too many in our world stealing air supply from kind deserving people. I got into so many fights throughout my school years due to my clash with people that this. Since no one else will stand up to them, I usually do.
As a kid I had an incident with a real bulldog. It snarled, growled, and barked at me constantly. It tried to bite at me many times and I always ran…I was only 10, so of course I ran. One day, after being enlightened by science nature shows on not showing fear to aggressive animals, I came to a conclusion as to why he acted that way to me. The next time I saw the dog I didn’t back down. Eventually it charged me and tried to bite me. I say this proudly, though I do not agree with hurting animals, I grabbed that mutt by the neck and head butted it when it charged at me. Afterwards it ran off and hid in a corner. It would continue to growl and bark at people but never at me. Dogs like that just need to be shown who is the alpha male and sometimes that has to be done by force due to their stubborn aggressiveness. Using this same logic, I continued through school. I treated the bullies the same way. If they growled, I stood tall…if they tried to strike at me, I put them down and left them crying. This tactic worked great in school, but it’s a lot more difficult in the work place. Now the strikes I deal have to be well timed, stable, and fully backed up verbal comments. This to me is a lot harder due to the fact that I tend to go all out with my words. Well at least when angry.
This is part of the reason I dislike my position. I’m currently in an assistant position, which despite 10 years of experience, means I get treated like crap and like I have no prior experience. Due to the fact that a lot of our work involved uptight military pricks…I am forced to deal with Bulldogs often enough. To top it off, since I work in technology, usually by the time that I’m called in there is a technology issue which always seems to stress people out. “Yes, I know you’re stressed…yes, I know you’re mad and in a rush….but the longer you yell at me for your own stupidity or your own staff members’ incompetence, the longer it takes me to focus and fix the problem at hand. One particular meeting housed in our building is usually filled with 40-60 bulldogs. The only saving grace is that it only happens once every month or every other month….except this week. I’ll have 4 out of 5 days with these jerks. If their own staff members could do their jobs then it would be a breeze to take care of them. I’d do my job and they’d do their job, and it would all works correctly the first time. But instead, I have to waste 1-3 hrs per meeting getting yelled at for issues that I can’t fix since it’s not on our end. I’m forced to spend time on the phone telling the “experts” how to do their own job. Seriously? I bet they get paid more than I do and just have to focus on one set of duties…but yet I’m the one who, with no training in this and having this be a small portion of my list of duties, figures the problems out and tells them what to do. Having some high ranking military man yelling in my ear while I’m trying to accomplish this doesn’t help. “I’m sorry sir. I’m not one of your soldiers. Please, don’t speak to me that way. Be glad I’m not one of your soldiers, sir, because I would have very quickly turned my gun on you.” No I didn’t say it, because it might have cost me my job. But I wanted to say it SO bad. I knew there was a reason I didn’t want to go into the military…
Age
Due to my current situation, I have to ask a question about age in relationships. How does one tell what is an acceptable age range to have between two people in a relationship?
It is after all a number and nothing more. Experience and maturity is different for everyone. I’m one example of that notion. Growing up I hung out with 21-25 year olds when I was 15 and 16. I was treated badly, a lot, due to my age and therefore I told myself I would never treat someone different because of their age. I will however treat a person different based on their maturity…but I would do the same even if they were 60 yrs old acting like a 5 yr old. I never put much base behind it since every country and society has different notions of what is acceptable. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about the different between an adult and a minor. That’s not a boundary I’m willing to risk crossing. What I mean is a 26-27 year old dating a 20-21 year old. I’m not saying I would, but still I wonder what is considered right. If the two people get along well and have plenty to talk about, would that be wrong? I remember a friend telling me a long time ago that there was a good formula to use in these situations. (Older age/2) + 7 = younger age or below. For example, 26/2 = 13 + 7 = 20….so therefore a 26 year old dating a 20 year old is ok but no one younger than 20. Or in reversal, 26-7=19*2 = 38, so a 26 year old can date up to a 38 year old. The good side to the formula is that its range increases with the age. So later on as people get older and age becomes even less of an issue in their minds, the range grows. I like the formula, though I still don’t know if I agree with it. Also, just because the range works out doesn’t mean the 2 people would be ok being with the other in that age difference. But that’s up for them to decide.
Right vs Wrong
How does one tell what is right vs what is wrong? True we have beliefs and ideas, but are these not notions passed on by past elders or society? Who’s to say that their notions of right and wrong were correct? What I’ve learned over the years has taught me that it’s all in how things are interpreted. A long time ago, laws were laid down by the royalty or church. People decided to follow those laws or fight back. This was the cause of kingdoms being over thrown and new churches being built. While this time period was violent due to wars caused by this way of ruling…was it really any different from now? We still have wars caused by disapproval of leadership and laws. We still have wars based on religious beliefs. We still have countries invading other countries in order to change their leadership and force their own views on right and wrong. The main difference has become the lack of morals and values…and the adaptation those laws that were once embraced as the norm. Laws are based on man and man’s view of what “they” think is right and wrong. Because of this, countries have different laws and different views. What might be wrong and illegal in one country is just and lawful in another. What makes one country’s views more just than another country’s views?
I don’t write this as a means to get explanation, since no one has a way of fully answering it. I write this because it is one of the many thoughts in my head right now…and it feels good to focus my mind on less personal issues for once.
Nice Guys really do finish last…Outlook on the dating world.
For those that know me, you maybe aware that I’m, for the most part, a nice guy. For those that don’t know…trust it or not…makes no difference to me. My biggest problem in the social world is being too nice. I used to be at the point where I was a door mat for people to step on. I’ve since matured and changed to the man I am today. The part of me that hasn’t changed is my view on dating and women. I’m old fashion in the beliefs that women should be treated special and cherished. I would have been better fitted had I been born in a time when knights or warriors rushed into battle or even to their death at the mere request of a woman. Don’t get me wrong in my views, as I’m not entirely old fashion. I don’t believe women should be stuck at home and in the kitchen. I don’t believe women should be treated differently and not allowed to have the ability to make choices on their life after marriage. If my wife wants to stay home with the kids, I’m fine with it. If she would rather be a working woman, I’m fine with that as well. I just believe love, whether it’s with a woman or a man, should be a special feeling that we treasure when we receive it. The problem my mindset is putting me in is how I deal with that treasuring. I believe we all should have our friends and other people we are allowed to hang out with…but I also think that my significant other should be one of my best friends as well. Too many relationships struggle or fail over lack of communication. Who are you most honest with and tell more to than your best friends? That’s why I always try to build a friendship first and if successful work on more.
The good side to this is, those relationships tend to last a long time and even after failing will stay strong as friendship. My current best friend is in fact one of my Ex’s. We broke up after she slept with another guy. The breakup itself was bad…and for 6 months we didn’t talk…to give us time to heal, but afterwards we rekindled the friendship and now there is no one I trust more. Part of that was due to her response to what happen. Because we were so close, the failure she made hurt her as well. I was hurt badly by it but she took it even worse. She couldn’t speak to me for a good while and couldn’t even look at herself in the mirror. Today, if you bring it up and start to talk about it, she still gets teary eyed and starts to cry because she still can’t forgive herself…though I had forgiven her long ago. Why would I trust anyone else more, when I know she would never hurt me again now that she knows how painfully it hurt herself?
The bad side is women aren’t used to this. Growing up all I heard is how women want to be friends first…but it’s a lie I believe. If you become a friend then they see you as a friend and don’t want to risk that friendship for more. I thought many times that maybe they were using the “lets just me friends” because they weren’t attracted to me…but in most cases, that’s not the issue. People just have such a hard time finding friends that they can trust that they don’t want to lose that. This is painful for me since I want my relationship to be with someone I can trust. I’m a nice guy and an honest guy but I’m tired of being in friend zones. I’m tired of the stress and rejections received by being friendly to a girl. Because of this I’ve missed out on many relationships that could have been good and I’m currently missing out on one that would have been perfect. What am I doing wrong? My thoughts now are that I can’t be too friendly with a girl I like. I have to move a girl before she gets a chance to realize that I’m “such a great friend.” Is this the way it’s done or am I missing something here? I’m thoroughly confused over this and have been for year. I don’t honestly expect an answer or advice since this is more of a rant blog…I just have to ask the questions to get them off my chest.
Friday Night in a Soap Opera
I would have normally written this sooner but after the events on Friday night, I tried to do everything I could to avoid my own Condo. This caused a delay in my blogging since I was on the move a lot and therefore unable to sit down for a long period to type up such a post. Okay, so that I don’t further delay this post, let me dive into the wonderful events of Friday night.
As stated in my previous post, I have a roommate that I am calling Parsimonious. He has found many a way to piss me off from time to time and disrespect me, but he is dating my best friend so I’ve been trying to stay calm about it all. I won’t repeat my description of him since my previous blog should say enough. Just read it you lazy people! But I will say that he is very difficult to deal with and talk to, since his mental maturity seems to be that of a preteen. This is a major problem for my best friend since she has to try and find ways to deal with him and approach him on issues that he needs to fix. Thursday night they got into another fight, something that seems to become very common lately, and both of them went to sleep angry. She brought up his bad memory issues and he brought up his salary and that he paid for things like the bed and couch…keep in mind that we all KNOW he gets paid more than us but somehow never has money to go out like we do. That Friday morning I spoke with my best friend about the issues. She was fed up with his crap and was going to try to talk to him one more time, ending it if it didn’t work. She went around the rest of the day thinking of what she would say to him. I was dreading it however since I knew it wouldn’t go well and, being that I lived there, I would be thrown in the middle.
The time comes that they are both home. They walk into their bedroom and start into it. I’m trying my best to blast a dvd on tv to cover up the sounds of the shouting and harsh words. Eventually she comes bursting out of the room still shouting harsh terms back at him. She sits down beside me and begins ranting about him. We both know that I’m aware of the issues and that they are mad but she needed to vent so I let her. He eventually comes in too fussing about her and they yell back and forth pretending to talk about the other like they weren’t in the same room. I say pretending instead of acting since I’ve seen better acting from Brendan Fraser…and that should say a lot. Eventually I find out that they are officially over and that she has 30 days to move out. She calls to make plans to store her stuff at a friends place. She called another friend, who lives in the building next to ours, and arranged a place to stay for the night.
After she left I dealt with my anger like usual by taking it out on myself, unhealthy but safer for other people at least. Afterwards I fixed myself a drink and went back into the living room. Parsimonious wasted no time before he started to talk to me about it. He asked me to be honest and wanted to know what he needed to fix about himself. So it began… 4 hours later we finally ended the conversation. I pointed out his mistakes and gave him advice on how to fix those mistakes. I diagnosed why he lost control whenever his memory was brought into an argument and why he always used money as a defense when he was losing an argument. We figured out why he memory was so bad and why it could alter the events that happened and the way he remember them… while not a solution to fix the problem its at least a means to understand the problem. By the time I was done he had grown a lot in his understanding of why he acted like he did and all the tension and anger from the argument had vanished.
The next morning my best friend comes back over and, rather than deal with Parsimonious, she came into my room to talk to me. I explained the long talk I had undergone with him the night before and explained the things that we uncovered. I also explained why they have trouble talking and the conflicts between how they think and feel. She came in still full of anger and never wanting to be friends or social with him but once we spoke she lost some of that anger and was willing to work on it. He came in my room shortly after and apologized for the way he had acted. He went back over what I explained and they worked it out. I suggested that they handle their arguments like discussions next time and write the topics down so that no one felt like it was a direct assault on them. They agreed to try that. We’ll see if that works or not, but hopefully they’ll end it before it comes down to that kind of frustration again. So now they are back together and some of that stress is gone off of me…but we’ll see how long that lasts. I swear if this keeps up my life will be a soap opera. I wonder if I’ll have to start signing autographs.
